Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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