Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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