I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
