If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
