Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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