I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
