Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
