I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
