why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
