I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
