You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
