i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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