Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
