you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have fence marks all over my body
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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