Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
