How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
