Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
