dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
