My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
