he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
whose parrot is this?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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