Don't make out with my wife yet
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
