Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
