God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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