You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
