Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
