remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
