mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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