Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
