haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
