saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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