I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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