So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
