I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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