Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
