So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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