Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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