He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
