I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We just shotgunned beers for America
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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