he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
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while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
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He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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