he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
