I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
