I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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