mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
