I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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