could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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