I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
