I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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