i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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