my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
