I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
