U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
