dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
