Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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