we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
