Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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