im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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