Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
