i can't believe i had my finger in that
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
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it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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