i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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