Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
