Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
