Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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