Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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