ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
